Kiss the Derp 1 KarkatXJohn AU

Chapter 1

  Your name is KARKAT VANTAS.
  You realize your name is strange and unusual, as you have been told many times by your friend JOHN EGBERT (beep beep meow). John is your friend, your neighbor... your major crush. And just like those romcoms you love so very much he has no clue you like him.
  You're Duckie and he's Andie. There is no point in trying to get out of the friendzone at this point. You've pretty much set up camp there, maybe you'll build yourself a little fire while you're at it and make some s'mores. But your best friends have other plans.
  You are at this very moment at your blind friend TEREZI PYROPE's house. She's known you liked John since the moment you fell for the derp. She claimed she could "smell the blush on your face" and made things more weird asking if she could lick your face because it smelled "delicious". You told her no.
  Your other friends SOLLUX CAPTOR (the lispy computer nerd) and GAMZEE MAKARA (total stoner) also have knowldge of your crush on Egbert. Gamzee has offered to help from time to time (when he remembers) to have you win Egbert over, but most of those plans involve unsettling means by most peoples standards so you turn him down. Sollux, on the other hand, really doesn't care. He just sits back and "enjoyth the thow".
  But back to the present. Terezi is trying to be a gracious host by offering snacks to her three guests. Sloppy as they may look, they don't taste that bad. At least it isn't one of Gamzee's pies. Last time you took a bite of one you felt the need to have your stomach pumped. You're taste buds still have nightmares.
  "So Karkat," Terezi said with a tone in her voice that means nothing but trouble.
  You sigh and brace your self for the upcoming inpact. "What?"
  "How's it going with you and John? Did you cop a feel yet?"
  "W-WHAT?! WHY THE FUCK WOULD YOU EVEN SAY THAT?!"
  Sollux snickered. "Tho you have tried then?"
  "Way to go Romeo!" Terezi laughed, smacking you hard on the back.
  You glare at them both. "I did NOT touch John. He may hug me and I may hug back, but that's it. To him we're just 'bros'."
  Gamzee places his hand on your shoulder. "That's okay motherfucker. You just gotta tell him how you motherfuckin feel."
  "You think I should?"
  He nods. "Yeah. And if it doesn't end well, we'll always be motherfuckin here for you."
  You smash your head into the table. "Fuuuuuccccckkkk... I don't have a chance."
  "Nice going athhole. Now we're going to have to deal with hith bitching and moaning for the retht of the night."
  You didn't really hear that comment though. You're too lost in thought, picturing the worst. You picture yourself professing your undying love to John. You picture him having a look of utter disgust. He now hates you. He never wants to see you again. You are crushed.
  You are then smacked out of your hysteria by Terezi. The back of your head hurts.
  "That's it Karkat!" Terezi yells. "We're going to help you and you can't say no this time! Operation 'Kiss the Derp' is a GO!"
  Sollux and yourself stare at Terezi in confusion. Gamzee is staring off into space slurring something about all 'the motherfucking colors'.
  "What? Why do I have to do thith?"
  "Didn't you want him to stop 'bitching'?"
  "You guys, please don't."
  "I gueth thith would be better than having to thit through another romance movie to get him to thut up."
  "ARE YOU ALL IGNORING ME?"
  "I hear you, bro."
  "NOT NOW GAMZEE!"
  "Well then it's settled. Karkat, we're going to help you!"
  "DID YOU NOT HEAR ME?!"
  This is just the start of a rollercoaster ride of what is sure to be sheer hell.